Want to Read Currently Reading Read. Other editions. Enlarge cover. Error rating book. Refresh and try again. Open Preview See a Problem? Details if other :. Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page. From the acclaimed author of the perennial favorite Boundaries , Where to Draw the Line is a practical guide to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in many different situations. Healthy boundaries preserve our integrity. Unlike defenses, which isolate u From the acclaimed author of the perennial favorite Boundaries , Where to Draw the Line is a practical guide to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in many different situations.
Unlike defenses, which isolate us from our true selves and from those we love, boundaries filter out harm. This book provides the tools and insights needed to create boundaries so that we can allow time and energy for the things that matter—and helps break down limiting defenses that stunt personal growth.
Focusing on every facet of daily life—from friendships and sexual relationships to dress and appearance to money, food, and psychotherapy—Katherine presents case studies highlighting the ways in which individuals violate their own boundaries or let other people breach them. Boundaries are the unseen structures that support healthy, productive lives. Where to Draw the Line shows readers how to strengthen them and hold them in place every day.
Get A Copy. Paperback , pages. More Details Original Title. Other Editions 7. Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about Where to Draw the Line , please sign up. If I'm trying to select one for a book club that focuses on interpersonal communication and personal development, how do I pick between the two?
See 1 question about Where to Draw the Line…. Lists with This Book. Community Reviews. Showing Rating details. More filters. Sort order. Jun 28, booklady rated it really liked it Shelves: favorites , worth-reading-over-and-over , , non-fiction , self-help , psychology. Closets and rooms deal with physical stuff; self-help books pertain to behaviors patterns. In other words, I saw boundaries as something negative and opposed to open communications. And really who needs any more obstacles? For all of our modern technology there are already too many impediments to mutual human understanding.
Katherine covers all types of boundaries from many different directions: marriage, divorce, family, possessions, holidays, sex, emotions, death, and even the internet. Some of her examples and advice were particularly helpful to me during this reading; other parts I skimmed or skipped altogether as irrelevant now or ever. And yet, even though this book was a loaner, I went ahead and got a copy for my kindle because I fully expect to return to it periodically.
Considering how many technological boundary issues there are today, a book just on those would be extremely beneficial. However that isn't always possible, helpful or successful. View all 4 comments. Mar 07, Dana rated it really liked it Shelves: good-reads. I'm one of those folks who was raised not really knowing what boundaries are. I thought we just sort of accept whatever people dish out and feel sorry for them when they misbehave.
I really did! It's caused some changes in my life, including weeding out a few friends who walked all over me without my "knowledge" but it's b I'm one of those folks who was raised not really knowing what boundaries are.
It's caused some changes in my life, including weeding out a few friends who walked all over me without my "knowledge" but it's been a good discovery. I recommend the read. View 1 comment. Aug 24, Abhishek rated it it was ok Shelves: non-fiction. The author quite insightfully defines a boundary as something that serves to preserve the integrity of that which it binds within.
She also quite astutely identifies the ability to share one's truth as the roadway to emotional healing and transformation.
However, the author's treatment of boundaries - which at its core is about human relationships, more than anything else - is one sided. Author's boundary emphasis is entirely driven by the idea of self-preservation without any attribution to the The author quite insightfully defines a boundary as something that serves to preserve the integrity of that which it binds within. Author's boundary emphasis is entirely driven by the idea of self-preservation without any attribution to the role of compassion in relationships or to the ability to accommodate another as a way of expanding one's boundary.
She also does not touch upon how preserving our boundary can serve to help another person - against whom we exercise these boundaries - grow.
All relationships are a mirror for those willing to see. When we refuse to share our truth we rob the other person from seeing themselves clearly. The book would have been more helpful to readers if it carried a tone of growth accommodating, compassion instead of its tone of fear needing to defend, self-preservation. It fails to convey love. The book does offer several usable and useful points which could help people in abusive relationships to some extent.
The cautionary note would be for the reader to use these suggestions coupled with a sense of genuine care and compassion toward another or else one runs the risk of developing rough edges which could make those in one's life bleed. Jun 12, Madeline rated it it was ok. There are some useful tips in this book, however, on the whole I found it sexist, ageist, racist, and classist.
The author consistently misses the point about feminism.
She pretends that everyone is heterosexual. The spirituality and boundaries chapter is entirely about Christianity and mostly talks about the dangers of non-protestant thought. The book is full of pseudo-scient There are some useful tips in this book, however, on the whole I found it sexist, ageist, racist, and classist. The book is full of pseudo-scientific, evolutionary pop-psychology about the supposed differences between the "two" sexes which she tries to play off as biology, but which go against fundamental research in evolutionary biology. Her solutions to most problem involve having monetary resources handy, which just isn't the case for the majority of people.
She goes so far as to be condescending about a lack of ability to help oneself out of a situation. Basically, take this book with a grain of salt. Garner the few useful things from it and then move on, because if you think too hard on the author's skewed perspectives it will just make you upset. View all 3 comments. Aug 27, Ena Rusnjak Markovic rated it really liked it Shelves: non-fiction , self-improvement , psychology. Yes i'm hopeless lmao. Sep 09, Jules rated it liked it. Setting boundaries has become an interest for me. I've gotten more and more overwhelmed with stuff to do, and my skill at saying no to things has not increased in kind.
Bad combo! This book has been really helpful in that regard. The best part of the book is the start, where it explains what boundaries are, how you should set them, and what you should do when you find others and yourself crossing them. The cool thing about boundaries is that you can always enforce them yourself, you don't need an Setting boundaries has become an interest for me.
The cool thing about boundaries is that you can always enforce them yourself, you don't need anyone to do it for you. Boundaries are not "If you violate boundary x, I will need you to do y now". That's not going to make you feel any more safe or in control. It's "If you violate boundary x, I will respond by doing Y" , where Y could be any manner of things but usually means removing yourself or your involvement in the situation.
I also enjoyed the chapter that explains apologizing and making amends are two different things yes! But then the book delves into a bunch of different boundaries for different situations: work, friendship, illness, child raising, etc. This is where it gets a bit weird. The book hands you premade boundaries for all of these situations, and some of those seem a bit biased?
It feels more like a book on etiquette almost, rather than on boundaries. The book does point out that cultural values change drastically and that those are important to follow, but then you get chapter after chapter of "Acquaintances don't hug", "Hookups are bad boundaries", "Never do this", "Always do that", etc. Near the end there is a really nice chapter about gossip that is especially interesting for our Flemish gossip-driven culture. It differentiates between discussing a situation with a friend and gossip.
So all in all, a pretty good book and a recommendation for anyone who feels they might fare better with some stronger boundaries in their life. Feb 06, Solaris rated it it was amazing. So glad I read this. Very easy read--not academic at all. Very informative and empowering. Whatever I might personally believe, this book offered a perspective that helped me decide what works for me and what doesn't.
It helped me learn to say no, and realize what is healthy and what is harmful in my relationships with others. Mar 14, Carrie Lynn rated it it was amazing. How to not cross boundaries and how to draw them could be the most important thing we need to learn to be happy and healthy. Nov 27, Annie Cameron rated it liked it. It's difficult to apply the examples from this book to real life. Aug 04, Elizabeth rated it liked it Shelves: self-help , nonfiction. This wasn't particularly an epiphany book, but it did find it useful for articulating and reminding me of things I already kind of knew -- though by about halfway through I was less into it.
I really liked the idea about boundaries as being like cell membranes -- keeping some things out and letting some things in, in a healthy and balanced fashion. I This wasn't particularly an epiphany book, but it did find it useful for articulating and reminding me of things I already kind of knew -- though by about halfway through I was less into it.
I also really liked the idea that we should structure our lives based on what WE value, not on what other people think we should value. I found the chapter on Making Amends helpful with its reminder to be really attentive to the harm you have done to the other person and making amends in kind. One interesting thing: the author talks about nicknaming someone against their express wishes as a boundary violation. Chapter 7 opens with a story about Jeff and his partner Tony. Aww, I see what you did there : A bunch of the later chapters are excessively heteronormative, though.
The author talks a lot abut gender boundaries and how these get enacted at a cultural level , but doesn't talk at all about how people are and have been historically marginalized due to being members of other categories like being non-White in White society, for example.
Oh, and for extra bonus points, the author doesn't use generic pronouns much, but while she does use "they" at least once, she also uses "he" at least once and never "she.
The names of people in the case studies include names clearly marked as non-White, which I appreciated. Though some of the ways the author talks about cultures other than her own felt excessively Othering. I am almost inarticulate at the fail of the Spiritual Boundaries chapter. It's well-meaning, but it's seemingly-obliviously rooted in a certain brand of liberal Christianity. The author's examples of stories about God were all from the Christian Bible, and okay fine that's your tradition, but it comes across rather exclusionary -- plus I disagreed somewhat with her interpretation of Christianity contrary to the author's statements, God is in fact reported to interfere in free will, see "hardening Pharaoh's heart," for example.
I will also note the irony that many of the suggested responses are sarcastic, given that elsewhere in the book the author cautions against sarcasm -- since sarcasm is not conducive to healthy, mutual conversation. I also disagree that the statement "My religion is the only true religion" is an inherently boundary-violating statement.
These are some of the questions that from time to time compel me to reassess my own boundaries. Start drawing the curve. As Socrates is quoted to have said, "Wisdom is seeking knowing. In other words, I saw boundaries as something negative and opposed to open communications. This book has been really helpful in that regard.
I think you can believe that statement and both articulate and embody it in ways that don't violate people who do not believe in your religion. May 25, Angelina rated it really liked it Shelves: unf-ck-yourself , psychology , personal-development. This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. If we don't act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective, and resilience.
We must take ourselves out of violating situations for the sake of our own wholeness. We can get caught in the trap of explaining again and again, meanwhile letting the other person take advantage "The longer we stay in a violating situation, the more traumatized we become. We can get caught in the trap of explaining again and again, meanwhile letting the other person take advantage of us. But while this may work right now, it could easily change: If he were to get married, his rigidity would be a challenged if, for example, he had to leave work to accommodate sick kids or manage them for a weekend when his partner is on a business trip.
Either way, the outcome is not good. For Carly, the fear of confrontation is stronger than whatever hurt or angry feelings she may have, and so when others make requests she goes on autopilot and accommodates. Deeply sorry, she then says she has no idea why she acted that way and vows to others and herself to not ever do it again. But of course, she does. Should Jim or Carly begin to see that their learned modes of coping are no longer working as well as they used to, there is a way for each of them to change their set points and move their boundary lines.
But the counter-intuitive part, if he is willing to see the problem and take it on, is that he needs to break out and go against his grain. What this means is that he needs to increase his comfort zone and become more flexible. Or he lends his chainsaw to his neighbor, expecting the worse, and again pats himself on the back for stepping outside his comfort zone, and discovers that the chainsaw comes back not only unscathed but with a plate of brownies as appreciation.
One fear down, two million to go. Carly too needs to manage anxiety.
So, when her sister calls and asks about staying, Carly tells her she needs to check her schedule and will get back to her rather than doing the automatic yes. She is emotionally trying to sort out what she wants, rather than what she should do. Her next step is to speak up to the sister, supervisor, boyfriend.
Because she is moving against her grain and breaking a pattern, these others will get rattled and instinctively push back. She needs to expect it—that her sister may sound a bit huffy, the supervisor might ask her to think about it some more, the boyfriend may pout or pressure her. Again, she tries these out, speaks out, and fine-tunes if she decides to change her mind.
So where do you stand? In what direction do you need to move?
What advice to the people who do get into trouble at work for being assertive? Might not be as serious as getting fired, but are excluded, passed over or marked as a troublemaker? You may not need to bite your tongue but take some edge off your tone. If that's the case you can make a case to those in charge how you are trying to be helpful rather than a trouble-maker, but more often it is not a good and time to find a workplace that does.
I know several friends and acquaintances that are seniors. They complain of loneliness and a lack of friends. When anyone asks these same people to join them in an outing or to help them with something, these people go into a staunch, "I don't wanna" mode. Often this attitude reflects a lifetime as a union employee or government office worker where the culture was to never volunteer and to never help anyone. I always detect a glimmer of pleasure when they swiftly answer with a "no". But on the other hand they complain about boredom, the lack of time their spouse spends at home, their inactivity.
They never equate their refusals to participate in anything with the resulting isolation. Maybe saying yes every once in a while will improve well-being. Embedded in the story about Jim is the suggestion that he should ditch his commitment to his running buddy when his girlfriend asks him to do something that conflicts. I disagree. I think he should honor his prior commitment, and I think his girlfriend should appreciate that he doesn't flake out on his commitments.
For that matter, it's also a good thing, in my opinion, to honor one's commitments to oneself. That is not necessarily rigid or anxiety-driven -- it can be part of good self-care and healthy persistence in working towards goals. The girlfriend knows by now that Jim engages in regular physical fitness with his running buddy.
In light of the appalling physical shape most Americans are in, and in fact, most of the developed world is experiencing - rigorous physical fitness, over the long haul, is to be commended and supported. She could have Jim over for dinner with her parents, or the lunch on another day. This is not a hard issue. Bob Taibbi, L. It's all too easy to go on autopilot. Maybe it's time to stop. To manage anxiety and depression you need to tackle the underlying problems. The combination of anxiety and ADHD in relationships creates the perfect storm. Back Psychology Today.